At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
