i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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