i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
i am craving dick and cupcakes
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
