I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
