theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Acid is not a monday night drug
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
