I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
