if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Dignity is for republicans.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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