I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
