U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
