can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize