glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
