apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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