He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
