i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
no, he came in my armpit
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
