oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
