apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
