Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize