my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
