this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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