I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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