I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
