You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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