so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
