Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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