You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
