you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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