ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She said her name was "party"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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