It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
