I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
