I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
