your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
