My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
time to smoke my breakfast
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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