last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
