You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
