Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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