Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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