she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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