I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
