how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
