I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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