the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
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