Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
