hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
