My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
