Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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