oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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