he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
