I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
it's like iHOP with fire
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize
