He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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