Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
