I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
