we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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