Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
