we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
