Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
