I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
