Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
wow bdsm is so cute
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
