Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize