Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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