I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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