ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
