Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
