We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize