Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
