i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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